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Erick for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Erick Davies. From making music to making a difference, Erick Davies, also known as King Deezy, has remained a familiar presence in Sacramento’s culture and community. As Founder and President of Urban Legendz Entertainment, he has spent over a decade creating community events, supporting local families, and staying actively involved throughout the city. His journey from recording artist to nonprofit leader reflects a continued commitment to using his platform to impact Sacramento.
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Erick’s experiences and perspective.
This is Erick’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Tell me a little bit about yourself and your background.
Erick Davies. Born and raised in Sac, CA, been out here my whole life. Born in Meadowview and went to elementary school in Meadowview. We moved to Valley Hi when I was five, but I was still going to elementary school in Meadowview. On top of that, my first Pop Warner team that I played for was the Oak Park Buccaneers. Those three things right there explain I’ve got a love through the city. I know a lot of people and my family is pretty big. I’ve always made it a point to be about Sacramento. I got hip to a rapper named C-Plus when I was 15/16. The way that he would talk about Sacramento and push it, it gave me a reason & foundation. Me and my friends had this group called Fatals, so we were doing a bunch of YouTube, throwing parties and being teenagers. It gave us more of a foundation to actually build something. My specific generation got to see a side of Sacramento that never really was seen before. We got multiple big name rappers and it took a different turn for the better. However, with that comes a turn for the worse, but it’s all about finding that balance and getting my people to understand it’s deeper than all this BS that goes on out here. Seeing firsthand what comes with living that life, being in that life and having family members in that life. It always motivated me to say nah that’s not for us. This is what they want us to act like towards each other, but that’s not who we are. It’s about brotherhood and bonding, being with each other and not against each other. I just be trying to create that vibe within my community.
Do you have any siblings? And who influenced you most in your adolescence?
I’ve got two older brothers, one is seven years older and the other is five years older. My older brother D-Rek is a known rapper out here, he messed with the Jacka & the Mob since back in the day. That definitely motivated me, and gave me a foundation and mold of what I wanted to do. My friends definitely play a part. I ran away at 15 trying to be grown, so the homies is who I ran to. Their parents were letting me stay with them, and even if they weren’t letting me stay with them, the homies were letting me sneak in at night, so that’s where I was sleeping. It honestly was a good balance of both because my family has a deep history in Sacramento. Even the ones that I didn’t take after, my uncles, they created some of the street gangs out here. Even though it’s not something I directly took to, it is something that I idolized because in the black culture it’s a part of our history. I always took heed to that and respected it in different ways. It wasn’t the path that I wanted to walk, but I saluted it. I had a great foundation of people around me. For example, my best friend growing up, his pops was another dad to me, my uncle Kev. He owned Tapers Barbershop in Oak Park for all these years. It was so many people that I came up under that created who I am today. I have uncles that haven’t done too well in life that told me as a kid to use them as an example of what not to do. I feel like we lost that honesty in the community these days. It was something I took to and it’s still love unc, but it’s about building the foundation of what’s right and wrong. Working to create your person, create who you are. It’s a great balance. Sacramento is the best, I love Sac, in 15 minutes you could be in a suburb, then the next 15 in the complete trenches.
What’s something you needed to learn at 15 when you ran away?
One of the biggest is feeling like you grown, but you haven't grown up yet because being grown is a mental thing. We want to be free, be out at whatever time of night, we don’t want to go to school, I wanted to smoke weed, I wanted to do everything else that made me feel like I was grown until I was put in circumstances to take care of myself. I tell people all the time that I wish that I stayed home, wish I had built that foundation where I could save money, which is the foundation that my parents actually created for me. I just wanted to be in the streets, be free. That aspect of you’re not grown bro, appreciate your childhood for what it is, your levels of growth in life for what they are because it’s lessons. Everything happens for a reason. I’ve got two daughters now, so I tell them and they’re babies, one is 3 and one is 5. I know they don’t get it yet, but I am having deep talks with them to try and instill it in them. It’s certain things that I wish I realized thinking I was grown, and it’s a lot of growing up to do. I’m still growing up at 31. I started hitting the ages that my dad was when he had me and my brothers, so now it just puts into perspective that life comes fast. You have to take what it gives you because if you try to take anything else that doesn't belong to you, it usually puts you down a road you don’t belong on.
What’s one moment that has stuck with you throughout your life?
One of my closest friends, we were at a house party. I was 18 or 19, pushing adulthood. We were at a house party, typical Sacramento stuff. An argument ensued, a gun got pulled out and shots fired. My boy grabbed me and pulled me. I was standing in front of a door when he did and four bullets hit the door. It was one of those moments where I stopped going 2 or 3 years after that. It made me realize how quick your life could be taken from nothing. At that point, it hit me that you can’t play with life. That was the same year I started doing my nonprofit, doing givebacks and doing something different. I feel like I was playing with my life for real, so it was one of those eye-opening moments that I decided to switch it up.
Do you experience survivor’s remorse and how do you deal with it?
In 2015, we lost my big brother Meho, who was my older brother’s best friend. That night when bro passed away, I was the last person he called. He was trying to tell me to come get him. He was drunk and couldn’t drive. I didn’t have a car or anything at the time, I’m like bro I can’t even come, you know bro is not finna let me take the car. Bro had a Benz at the time, so I’m like you know he ain’t going to let me take it. That was the last time that we spoke. When I woke up, I had four more missed calls from bro. It was one of those situations where I felt like I could’ve changed the outcome of that shit. I stopped letting it sit heavy on my conscience as time went by. Right before he passed, my right hand went to prison and got sentenced to 9 years. Then, my little brother got sentenced to 8 years. I felt alone and didn’t know what to do. I felt like my little brother took this path because of me and was in the streets & shit because of me. My cousin was in his own shit, but he got arrested because we dropped a music video and he was in it, so they raided everybody's house. It was so many things going on that the burden from bro passing and not pulling up on him, and just constant things where I felt it was my fault. I feel like that’s what put me into my deepest depression. I stopped doing music and was just battling those demons. I realize now that that’s just how life plays out, you can’t control the narrative and everything happens for a reason, whether that be to teach you or teach somebody else. I never take anything personal, this is the way that the story was written and I’m just playing my role. As I got more in tune with myself, I accepted the fact that there wasn’t anything I could do for any of those outcomes. The two people that I could speak to out of those situations, we done had plenty of talks about how shit played out and how there wasn't anything I could do about it. We grown now, they’re both free now and I love them dearly. One is my actual brother and the other is my godbrother, my blood cousin, my first cousin, our moms are sisters. I’m always going to say what I need to them fasho.
What emotions do you feel like you were dealing with that you weren’t facing at that time?
I think pretty much all of it. That’s when I slipped into prescriptions and shit like that. I always did a little bit of everything trying to grow up too fast, party and sipping syrup and doing all that bullshit. However, when that type of stuff happened, it put my mind into a certain escape. The emotions I was running from was that guilt and that feeling of loss. It’s fucked up that I can say I’m used to death now. I lost so many people. I lost two of my closest friends this year. Prior to this year, I was thinking that nothing could hit me that was going to tear me down aside from my parents, then I lost these two this year. This is still death, you still have to face those emotions, but to go back to the original question, trying to escape the guilt and the darkness of knowing that you’ll never see your people again. You just have to appreciate the memories.
What’s your fondest memory with both of your friends that you lost this past year?
I could think of a million memories with both of them. We were doing a beer run, getting liquor and running out of the stores. The homie Jr. got tackled and the homie Bryce hopped out. The homie Bryce was a big dude. Then, the dude that tackled him got scared instantly when he seen Bryce. The beer was squirting around and it was a mess. Bro just hopped out, threw him in the car and we got out of there. It’s so many memories with just bullshit, and those be the ones that hold the most weight. You don’t really think anything of it until times like this come and that’s the first thing that pops in your head. Those memories where you were having the time of your life, laughing hysterically, and actually enjoying the moment with no expectations. Long Live my brother Jr. and Long Live Bryce Romano. We had this group called Fatal. I was just talking to Ray about this, but we were saying how we had lost anybody from Fatal and we all 30+, so to deal with two of them in a year was fucking crazy. We slowed down on the podcast last year because Ray was battling cancer. It’s these moments in life that show you how real this shit is. You’ve got to appreciate life for what it is and appreciate everyone who is put in your life. Live Life Love Yours, you don’t never know how this shit is going to go.
I lost both of my grandfathers to diabetes. One of them I got to say goodbye to on his deathbed, but the other didn’t want any of us to see him because he was malnourished. I used to feel like he was being selfish, but it put into perspective that seeing my other grandpa like that fucked me up. It was a life lesson that taught me to not react or be judgmental of how somebody wants to live their life.
What is mental health to you?
I like to put it into a general health sense because it all plays into each other. Keeping yourself healthy in all aspects, from the way you think, to the way you eat, physically and everything. It starts with your mental and with balance. Figuring out what really works for you and being true with yourself. I think that’s the hardest part for a lot of people is looking in the mirror and telling yourself what needs to change & what you need to acknowledge about yourself, whether that be good or bad. It’s easy to acknowledge the good in ourselves because we’ll always go get a fresh cut and say you look clean. But before you went & got that cut, did you look in the mirror? Being real with yourself.
What are some coping mechanisms you practice at 31?
It’s crazy because before I started practicing it, I started teaching my daughters it. Breathing. When you get nervous, overwhelmed, mad, whatever emotion that may come, I think the most important thing to do is to take 30 seconds and just breathe. Get the oxygen flowing through your body, get the blood flowing and get a clean state of mind, not reacting off of emotions. I think that’s one of the biggest things is not reacting off of emotions which is why I went sober for a while and got into a mental health journey. From the shit that we are told to crash out about in the streets to just the day-to-day, once you master your emotions, it’s easier to master everything else. Being able to acknowledge, check yourself and get it right.
How much does being a father influence how you take care of yourself?
If I didn’t have my kids, ain’t no telling if I’d be in prison or alive still. It completely changed my life, the way I was thinking, to how I move, everything. I dropped out of school when I was 15, I am in school right now working on my degree. I went back because how am I going to tell them to stay in school and I dropped out at 15. I wanted to create that standard. My daughters saved my life 1,000%. I had them back-to-back, so one was like I got to do my thing, but then when I had the other one I was like, okay I got to get right. I be talking to them like adults. I tell them, you saved daddy’s life fasho.
If you could tell your younger self anything, what would it be?
Don’t trip. The days that you’ve seen that you think are the darkest ain’t the worst, and the days you’ve seen that you think you’ve seen the best, it ain’t the best. It’s life. Set expectations of reality, not of these personas that’s put out into the world and on the internet. Don’t lose track of yourself with everything else. Chasing money, chasing females, chasing rap dreams, whatever you’re chasing. Never lose track of yourself. I spent a lot of time trying to be somebody I wasn’t and think that the most important thing was finding myself. I wish I could just slap him, at 15/16. I definitely wish I could holler at him. I just do the same thing to my nephews and make sure they don’t make the same mistakes. It’s a revolving door, we all had uncles that said “Sometimes experience makes the best teacher.” These words hold value. You don’t really know somebody until you’ve cried with them. Live Life Love Yours.
Erick x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Erick’s experiences and perspective.
This is Erick’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Tell me a little bit about yourself and your background.
Erick Davies. Born and raised in Sac, CA, been out here my whole life. Born in Meadowview and went to elementary school in Meadowview. We moved to Valley Hi when I was five, but I was still going to elementary school in Meadowview. On top of that, my first Pop Warner team that I played for was the Oak Park Buccaneers. Those three things right there explain I’ve got a love through the city. I know a lot of people and my family is pretty big. I’ve always made it a point to be about Sacramento. I got hip to a rapper named C-Plus when I was 15/16. The way that he would talk about Sacramento and push it, it gave me a reason & foundation. Me and my friends had this group called Fatals, so we were doing a bunch of YouTube, throwing parties and being teenagers. It gave us more of a foundation to actually build something. My specific generation got to see a side of Sacramento that never really was seen before. We got multiple big name rappers and it took a different turn for the better. However, with that comes a turn for the worse, but it’s all about finding that balance and getting my people to understand it’s deeper than all this BS that goes on out here. Seeing firsthand what comes with living that life, being in that life and having family members in that life. It always motivated me to say nah that’s not for us. This is what they want us to act like towards each other, but that’s not who we are. It’s about brotherhood and bonding, being with each other and not against each other. I just be trying to create that vibe within my community.
Do you have any siblings? And who influenced you most in your adolescence?
I’ve got two older brothers, one is seven years older and the other is five years older. My older brother D-Rek is a known rapper out here, he messed with the Jacka & the Mob since back in the day. That definitely motivated me, and gave me a foundation and mold of what I wanted to do. My friends definitely play a part. I ran away at 15 trying to be grown, so the homies is who I ran to. Their parents were letting me stay with them, and even if they weren’t letting me stay with them, the homies were letting me sneak in at night, so that’s where I was sleeping. It honestly was a good balance of both because my family has a deep history in Sacramento. Even the ones that I didn’t take after, my uncles, they created some of the street gangs out here. Even though it’s not something I directly took to, it is something that I idolized because in the black culture it’s a part of our history. I always took heed to that and respected it in different ways. It wasn’t the path that I wanted to walk, but I saluted it. I had a great foundation of people around me. For example, my best friend growing up, his pops was another dad to me, my uncle Kev. He owned Tapers Barbershop in Oak Park for all these years. It was so many people that I came up under that created who I am today. I have uncles that haven’t done too well in life that told me as a kid to use them as an example of what not to do. I feel like we lost that honesty in the community these days. It was something I took to and it’s still love unc, but it’s about building the foundation of what’s right and wrong. Working to create your person, create who you are. It’s a great balance. Sacramento is the best, I love Sac, in 15 minutes you could be in a suburb, then the next 15 in the complete trenches.
What’s something you needed to learn at 15 when you ran away?
One of the biggest is feeling like you grown, but you haven't grown up yet because being grown is a mental thing. We want to be free, be out at whatever time of night, we don’t want to go to school, I wanted to smoke weed, I wanted to do everything else that made me feel like I was grown until I was put in circumstances to take care of myself. I tell people all the time that I wish that I stayed home, wish I had built that foundation where I could save money, which is the foundation that my parents actually created for me. I just wanted to be in the streets, be free. That aspect of you’re not grown bro, appreciate your childhood for what it is, your levels of growth in life for what they are because it’s lessons. Everything happens for a reason. I’ve got two daughters now, so I tell them and they’re babies, one is 3 and one is 5. I know they don’t get it yet, but I am having deep talks with them to try and instill it in them. It’s certain things that I wish I realized thinking I was grown, and it’s a lot of growing up to do. I’m still growing up at 31. I started hitting the ages that my dad was when he had me and my brothers, so now it just puts into perspective that life comes fast. You have to take what it gives you because if you try to take anything else that doesn't belong to you, it usually puts you down a road you don’t belong on.
What’s one moment that has stuck with you throughout your life?
One of my closest friends, we were at a house party. I was 18 or 19, pushing adulthood. We were at a house party, typical Sacramento stuff. An argument ensued, a gun got pulled out and shots fired. My boy grabbed me and pulled me. I was standing in front of a door when he did and four bullets hit the door. It was one of those moments where I stopped going 2 or 3 years after that. It made me realize how quick your life could be taken from nothing. At that point, it hit me that you can’t play with life. That was the same year I started doing my nonprofit, doing givebacks and doing something different. I feel like I was playing with my life for real, so it was one of those eye-opening moments that I decided to switch it up.
Do you experience survivor’s remorse and how do you deal with it?
In 2015, we lost my big brother Meho, who was my older brother’s best friend. That night when bro passed away, I was the last person he called. He was trying to tell me to come get him. He was drunk and couldn’t drive. I didn’t have a car or anything at the time, I’m like bro I can’t even come, you know bro is not finna let me take the car. Bro had a Benz at the time, so I’m like you know he ain’t going to let me take it. That was the last time that we spoke. When I woke up, I had four more missed calls from bro. It was one of those situations where I felt like I could’ve changed the outcome of that shit. I stopped letting it sit heavy on my conscience as time went by. Right before he passed, my right hand went to prison and got sentenced to 9 years. Then, my little brother got sentenced to 8 years. I felt alone and didn’t know what to do. I felt like my little brother took this path because of me and was in the streets & shit because of me. My cousin was in his own shit, but he got arrested because we dropped a music video and he was in it, so they raided everybody's house. It was so many things going on that the burden from bro passing and not pulling up on him, and just constant things where I felt it was my fault. I feel like that’s what put me into my deepest depression. I stopped doing music and was just battling those demons. I realize now that that’s just how life plays out, you can’t control the narrative and everything happens for a reason, whether that be to teach you or teach somebody else. I never take anything personal, this is the way that the story was written and I’m just playing my role. As I got more in tune with myself, I accepted the fact that there wasn’t anything I could do for any of those outcomes. The two people that I could speak to out of those situations, we done had plenty of talks about how shit played out and how there wasn't anything I could do about it. We grown now, they’re both free now and I love them dearly. One is my actual brother and the other is my godbrother, my blood cousin, my first cousin, our moms are sisters. I’m always going to say what I need to them fasho.
What emotions do you feel like you were dealing with that you weren’t facing at that time?
I think pretty much all of it. That’s when I slipped into prescriptions and shit like that. I always did a little bit of everything trying to grow up too fast, party and sipping syrup and doing all that bullshit. However, when that type of stuff happened, it put my mind into a certain escape. The emotions I was running from was that guilt and that feeling of loss. It’s fucked up that I can say I’m used to death now. I lost so many people. I lost two of my closest friends this year. Prior to this year, I was thinking that nothing could hit me that was going to tear me down aside from my parents, then I lost these two this year. This is still death, you still have to face those emotions, but to go back to the original question, trying to escape the guilt and the darkness of knowing that you’ll never see your people again. You just have to appreciate the memories.
What’s your fondest memory with both of your friends that you lost this past year?
I could think of a million memories with both of them. We were doing a beer run, getting liquor and running out of the stores. The homie Jr. got tackled and the homie Bryce hopped out. The homie Bryce was a big dude. Then, the dude that tackled him got scared instantly when he seen Bryce. The beer was squirting around and it was a mess. Bro just hopped out, threw him in the car and we got out of there. It’s so many memories with just bullshit, and those be the ones that hold the most weight. You don’t really think anything of it until times like this come and that’s the first thing that pops in your head. Those memories where you were having the time of your life, laughing hysterically, and actually enjoying the moment with no expectations. Long Live my brother Jr. and Long Live Bryce Romano. We had this group called Fatal. I was just talking to Ray about this, but we were saying how we had lost anybody from Fatal and we all 30+, so to deal with two of them in a year was fucking crazy. We slowed down on the podcast last year because Ray was battling cancer. It’s these moments in life that show you how real this shit is. You’ve got to appreciate life for what it is and appreciate everyone who is put in your life. Live Life Love Yours, you don’t never know how this shit is going to go.
I lost both of my grandfathers to diabetes. One of them I got to say goodbye to on his deathbed, but the other didn’t want any of us to see him because he was malnourished. I used to feel like he was being selfish, but it put into perspective that seeing my other grandpa like that fucked me up. It was a life lesson that taught me to not react or be judgmental of how somebody wants to live their life.
What is mental health to you?
I like to put it into a general health sense because it all plays into each other. Keeping yourself healthy in all aspects, from the way you think, to the way you eat, physically and everything. It starts with your mental and with balance. Figuring out what really works for you and being true with yourself. I think that’s the hardest part for a lot of people is looking in the mirror and telling yourself what needs to change & what you need to acknowledge about yourself, whether that be good or bad. It’s easy to acknowledge the good in ourselves because we’ll always go get a fresh cut and say you look clean. But before you went & got that cut, did you look in the mirror? Being real with yourself.
What are some coping mechanisms you practice at 31?
It’s crazy because before I started practicing it, I started teaching my daughters it. Breathing. When you get nervous, overwhelmed, mad, whatever emotion that may come, I think the most important thing to do is to take 30 seconds and just breathe. Get the oxygen flowing through your body, get the blood flowing and get a clean state of mind, not reacting off of emotions. I think that’s one of the biggest things is not reacting off of emotions which is why I went sober for a while and got into a mental health journey. From the shit that we are told to crash out about in the streets to just the day-to-day, once you master your emotions, it’s easier to master everything else. Being able to acknowledge, check yourself and get it right.
How much does being a father influence how you take care of yourself?
If I didn’t have my kids, ain’t no telling if I’d be in prison or alive still. It completely changed my life, the way I was thinking, to how I move, everything. I dropped out of school when I was 15, I am in school right now working on my degree. I went back because how am I going to tell them to stay in school and I dropped out at 15. I wanted to create that standard. My daughters saved my life 1,000%. I had them back-to-back, so one was like I got to do my thing, but then when I had the other one I was like, okay I got to get right. I be talking to them like adults. I tell them, you saved daddy’s life fasho.
If you could tell your younger self anything, what would it be?
Don’t trip. The days that you’ve seen that you think are the darkest ain’t the worst, and the days you’ve seen that you think you’ve seen the best, it ain’t the best. It’s life. Set expectations of reality, not of these personas that’s put out into the world and on the internet. Don’t lose track of yourself with everything else. Chasing money, chasing females, chasing rap dreams, whatever you’re chasing. Never lose track of yourself. I spent a lot of time trying to be somebody I wasn’t and think that the most important thing was finding myself. I wish I could just slap him, at 15/16. I definitely wish I could holler at him. I just do the same thing to my nephews and make sure they don’t make the same mistakes. It’s a revolving door, we all had uncles that said “Sometimes experience makes the best teacher.” These words hold value. You don’t really know somebody until you’ve cried with them. Live Life Love Yours.
Erick x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Shawn for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Shawn Thwaites, a Trinidadian-American musician, producer, and music industry professional whose career bridges performance, culture, and global music. A Berklee College of Music alumnus and accomplished steelpan musician, Shawn previously served as a Genre Manager in the Recording Academy’s Awards Department, where he managed Global Music, Contemporary Instrumental, and New Age, Ambient & Chant categories and authored the proposal that established the GRAMMY Award for Best African Music Performance. He is also the founder and bandleader of Legacy, a genre-blending ensemble rooted in global sounds, soul, jazz, and the steelpan tradition.
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Shawn’s experiences and perspective.
Tell me about your upbringing and your background.
I was born at Howard University in Washington, D.C., grew up in Prince George’s County, two miles from Maryland University. I was born to two immigrant parents, my family is from Trinidad. My father is a professional musician. One of the first youth steel drummers to play and tour within and outside of Trinidad & Tobago. The group he was part of was called PanAm NorthStars, which has become American Airlines now.
That’s where I inherited the instrument from. My dad came here in 1979, he married my mom in Canada and then they moved to the States while she was pregnant with my older brother. I grew up in a household that was very Caribbean. It was Trini in the household and outside was America. If you came into my house at any given time, you’d smell curry, you’d eat rice & peas, you'd hear the accent. I grew up around inner city kids that taught me the way. They taught me how to slap box and taught me things I wouldn’t learn in my household because my dad was teaching me steel drums. I came from his upbringing. Even though they were here, they were still Caribbean.
Were you parents married all the way to 18?
My parents divorced in the 90’s. I didn’t know what that was, and it really took a toll on me because it felt like a death. I was 10, but it was a period of time going through that separation. So, I grew up in a broken home, but my dad was always tangible because of the instrument. I ended up playing in a steel band that he was a part of and that was the first steel band that I played in.
Initially, I stayed with my mom while growing up. But all of my brothers played steel drums. It was the piano of our household. We weren’t forced to learn, but we wanted to learn it. So, we loved the instrument and seeing our father. We’d see him every Wednesday for practice and perform with him on the weekends. It helped mend the breakup.
What challenges do you feel have shaped you the most?
Being a musician. You’ve got to kill everything you eat. Washington, D.C. is the capital, but it’s not art driven. Especially the time that I was there. So, it was like, oh you want to be a musician, oh you gone be a starving musician. That was and is a hurdle as a musician. You always have to get creative.
What emotions do you feel have been hardest for you to acknowledge?
Growing up, you had to have tough skin in my neighborhood. We call it Jonin or Jonezin, you may hear people say in other cities. But just even the jokes, yo mama jokes… everything. We did that real well, so you had to be able to maneuver and still hold your head high.
Being a young father. My daughter was only 6 months when I was walking across the stage. Being in Boston trying to be a dad, that was tough.
What was a specific challenge that shaped you during that period of time?
Having to choose between being a musician or getting a nine to five. Figuring out how to build something that’s sustainable for myself and my family. Now, I’m a family man. I went to school to get a degree, and came out with a degree & a family. I’m seeing how the problems that my father had, I’m starting to have. My mom was upset because he was always out playing music, or just out & away from home. I started to face those same challenges. We never spoke about it, but I was aware and had the understanding. The streets raised me, Berklee saved me. I had a lot of big brothers. Certain things my parents couldn’t help me with because my parents were raised on an island. Growing up there and growing up in the States were two completely different things.
Another challenge I had to navigate growing up is that I couldn’t show my soft side, I had to show my aggressive side. My friends that were from my neighborhood knew I played steel drums, but my friends at school didn’t know. I never showed that side, I had to show my rough side. It really wasn’t me, it was my defense mechanism. At the time, if you didn’t show a rougher side of you, then that came with a lot of other things that I wasn’t ready for, but didn’t want to let them know about.
What do you feel like you learned from your older brother?
I’m the middle child and my older brother was a good student. He played the national anthem on the steel drum at the school and they went crazy. However, by the time I got to the school, they had a different element at the time. My brother was driven. He was from a small place with big dreams. He’s a dreamer who’s not afraid to see something on TV and do it, or figure out how to get to that. That’s what I got from him, his drive and if he can do it, then I can do it.
Where do you feel like your first understanding of mental health came from?
When I first left the DMV area and went to Boston. I had fears and trauma that I didn’t know I had until I was out of that environment. If I would see a car coming with tinted windows, I’m nervous because I’m thinking someone is going to drop the window. Even moving here, my friends were curious to know why I’m always checking my surroundings. For example, I always back in and I backed in right here. It’s still in me because when we were going to parties or the club in D.C., I know we got to back in because if things get hectic, then we have to go. It took me a while to get away from some of those little things, to realize that I had trauma and am walking around with these burdens. That self-discovery started when I moved to Boston and continued as I lived here. I’ve been here for almost eleven years.
What do you feel like fatherhood has taught you about mental health?
My traumas I put onto my kids. My daughter told me the other day that all we used to watch was First 48. She said I grew up on First 48 as a kid, so I’m like I wasn’t supposed to be showing you that. I think to myself now, why am I even watching that? I don’t need to, I lived it. I noticed that certain things like that I had to get out of, I don’t want to see that, I don’t want to be a part of that. I had to rewire myself because my kids don’t live the life that I lived. They don’t know anything about it and they’ll never even come across it.
How does society teach men to deal with pain?
I am a single dad and have been a single dad for a long time. There’s no systems, support groups or check-ins for single dads. I remember going to court certain times and the judge leaning more towards the mother, just because she’s the mother. In due time, I was able to get custody of my kids.
If you could speak to your younger self, what would you tell him?
I would just tell him, thank you because I am in a good space. I had to go through those things, so I could teach my children certain things. I am able to pour into them, so they don’t have to go through what I went through. I didn’t have a terrible upbringing, but I did witness a lot of things that I’m grateful I had to go through, so they don’t have to.
What’s one thing you wish people understood about men’s mental health?
That everyone has it. It’s a part of your body. It’s what you put into it, so you must invest in it. Your mind has to sleep and you have to feed your mind. I have a friend that used to ask me if I was exercising my mind. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.
Shawn Thwaites x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Shawn’s experiences and perspective.
Tell me about your upbringing and your background.
I was born at Howard University in Washington, D.C., grew up in Prince George’s County, two miles from Maryland University. I was born to two immigrant parents, my family is from Trinidad. My father is a professional musician. One of the first youth steel drummers to play and tour within and outside of Trinidad & Tobago. The group he was part of was called PanAm NorthStars, which has become American Airlines now.
That’s where I inherited the instrument from. My dad came here in 1979, he married my mom in Canada and then they moved to the States while she was pregnant with my older brother. I grew up in a household that was very Caribbean. It was Trini in the household and outside was America. If you came into my house at any given time, you’d smell curry, you’d eat rice & peas, you'd hear the accent. I grew up around inner city kids that taught me the way. They taught me how to slap box and taught me things I wouldn’t learn in my household because my dad was teaching me steel drums. I came from his upbringing. Even though they were here, they were still Caribbean.
Were you parents married all the way to 18?
My parents divorced in the 90’s. I didn’t know what that was, and it really took a toll on me because it felt like a death. I was 10, but it was a period of time going through that separation. So, I grew up in a broken home, but my dad was always tangible because of the instrument. I ended up playing in a steel band that he was a part of and that was the first steel band that I played in.
Initially, I stayed with my mom while growing up. But all of my brothers played steel drums. It was the piano of our household. We weren’t forced to learn, but we wanted to learn it. So, we loved the instrument and seeing our father. We’d see him every Wednesday for practice and perform with him on the weekends. It helped mend the breakup.
What challenges do you feel have shaped you the most?
Being a musician. You’ve got to kill everything you eat. Washington, D.C. is the capital, but it’s not art driven. Especially the time that I was there. So, it was like, oh you want to be a musician, oh you gone be a starving musician. That was and is a hurdle as a musician. You always have to get creative.
What emotions do you feel have been hardest for you to acknowledge?
Growing up, you had to have tough skin in my neighborhood. We call it Jonin or Jonezin, you may hear people say in other cities. But just even the jokes, yo mama jokes… everything. We did that real well, so you had to be able to maneuver and still hold your head high.
Being a young father. My daughter was only 6 months when I was walking across the stage. Being in Boston trying to be a dad, that was tough.
What was a specific challenge that shaped you during that period of time?
Having to choose between being a musician or getting a nine to five. Figuring out how to build something that’s sustainable for myself and my family. Now, I’m a family man. I went to school to get a degree, and came out with a degree & a family. I’m seeing how the problems that my father had, I’m starting to have. My mom was upset because he was always out playing music, or just out & away from home. I started to face those same challenges. We never spoke about it, but I was aware and had the understanding. The streets raised me, Berklee saved me. I had a lot of big brothers. Certain things my parents couldn’t help me with because my parents were raised on an island. Growing up there and growing up in the States were two completely different things.
Another challenge I had to navigate growing up is that I couldn’t show my soft side, I had to show my aggressive side. My friends that were from my neighborhood knew I played steel drums, but my friends at school didn’t know. I never showed that side, I had to show my rough side. It really wasn’t me, it was my defense mechanism. At the time, if you didn’t show a rougher side of you, then that came with a lot of other things that I wasn’t ready for, but didn’t want to let them know about.
What do you feel like you learned from your older brother?
I’m the middle child and my older brother was a good student. He played the national anthem on the steel drum at the school and they went crazy. However, by the time I got to the school, they had a different element at the time. My brother was driven. He was from a small place with big dreams. He’s a dreamer who’s not afraid to see something on TV and do it, or figure out how to get to that. That’s what I got from him, his drive and if he can do it, then I can do it.
Where do you feel like your first understanding of mental health came from?
When I first left the DMV area and went to Boston. I had fears and trauma that I didn’t know I had until I was out of that environment. If I would see a car coming with tinted windows, I’m nervous because I’m thinking someone is going to drop the window. Even moving here, my friends were curious to know why I’m always checking my surroundings. For example, I always back in and I backed in right here. It’s still in me because when we were going to parties or the club in D.C., I know we got to back in because if things get hectic, then we have to go. It took me a while to get away from some of those little things, to realize that I had trauma and am walking around with these burdens. That self-discovery started when I moved to Boston and continued as I lived here. I’ve been here for almost eleven years.
What do you feel like fatherhood has taught you about mental health?
My traumas I put onto my kids. My daughter told me the other day that all we used to watch was First 48. She said I grew up on First 48 as a kid, so I’m like I wasn’t supposed to be showing you that. I think to myself now, why am I even watching that? I don’t need to, I lived it. I noticed that certain things like that I had to get out of, I don’t want to see that, I don’t want to be a part of that. I had to rewire myself because my kids don’t live the life that I lived. They don’t know anything about it and they’ll never even come across it.
How does society teach men to deal with pain?
I am a single dad and have been a single dad for a long time. There’s no systems, support groups or check-ins for single dads. I remember going to court certain times and the judge leaning more towards the mother, just because she’s the mother. In due time, I was able to get custody of my kids.
If you could speak to your younger self, what would you tell him?
I would just tell him, thank you because I am in a good space. I had to go through those things, so I could teach my children certain things. I am able to pour into them, so they don’t have to go through what I went through. I didn’t have a terrible upbringing, but I did witness a lot of things that I’m grateful I had to go through, so they don’t have to.
What’s one thing you wish people understood about men’s mental health?
That everyone has it. It’s a part of your body. It’s what you put into it, so you must invest in it. Your mind has to sleep and you have to feed your mind. I have a friend that used to ask me if I was exercising my mind. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.
Shawn Thwaites x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Dayton for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Dayton, aka Dayterz, he is a business owner, recording artist, and personality dedicated to building his community and creating music that sheds light on those same life experiences. From a young age, Dayton developed a deep love for music and a desire to pursue something bigger than himself. Music became a way for him to express himself, share his experiences, and speak up for the people around him.
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Dayton’s experiences and perspective.
This is Dayton’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Tell me about yourself. What’s your story?
I’m from South Sacramento, born and raised. Early on, I had both parents, and then at about 7 years old, my dad left the house. Early on, it was fun. I have three brothers, and I’m the 2nd youngest. Growing up, it was cool while we were young, but as I got older, I got a little more exposed to the elements and realized there was a lot of drug use inside of my house between my parents. That was probably the biggest reason for my family to split. However, outside of that, I always had my mom, still saw my dad around, and I had my grandma. So I still had a big sense of community with my family growing up.
I dropped out early on, but I went to Valley High School for my freshman year. I got injured my freshman year playing football. It was a 10-week injury. Around that time, I started smoking weed, and once I got injured, I didn’t have the motivation to go back to school. I wanted to figure it out on my own and got a little lost in the sauce.
What’s your relationship like with your family presently?
It’s a little more isolated. I try to stay in my own lane and focus on things that align with what I’m working towards. I can see my family whenever; they’re all around. My dad passed away in 2020, but my mom is still around. My brother is staying with me, and my other brothers are in Sac.
As far as my immediate family, I tend to stay in my bubble to stay on track. It’s environmental. I like to unite with people that have similar passions and are headed the same way I’m headed. As far as it goes, me and my family are still in contact, but I like to form my own sense of community as an adult.
Who had the greatest influence on you?
My peer group—my best friends, by far. We were each other’s role models and father figures. Two or three of my best friends, we tap in every day and chop it up.
Outside of that, my older brother, Derrick. He’s a super cool, laid-back dude and a genius that’s always doing outside-the-box and creative stuff. I kind of got a lot of my passions and creativity from him for sure.
What are three qualities that you’ve taken from your older brother?
He’s quick to listen, slow to respond. He’s intentional about hearing you out. He’s approachable, lets you be who you are, and then gives feedback that’s necessary. He definitely instilled a passion for music in me and expressing myself through that.
Also, fashion. He always liked putting that shit on—just presenting himself well, making it all come together and look nice.
How long have you been doing music?
I never got into an instrument. First grade, I tried the flute, and middle school, I tried the drums. However, I’ve always been rapping. Derrick started off rapping, so I followed in his footsteps. I probably made my first song when I was nine years old.
Over the years, I’ve been in and out of it, but it’s always been a passion. I’m more on the recording side of things. I make a lot of rap music, but I’ve been working with my creative director/engineer, getting into an R&B bag. I’ve been making some R&B music, cleaning it up, and expressing myself differently through music these days.
How do you feel your character allows you to build relationships with other artists/people?
I’m all interaction-based, so I’ll work with you if I like you. If I like your music, I like your style, then I’ll work with you. I am business savvy, so if it’s lucrative to work with you, then I’m open to that, as long as our trajectories are cohesive. I fell all the way back from any bullshit, so I’m trying to align with people that have something positive going on.
I’m trying to put a shift in my music while still expressing things that I’ve been through and who I am. Culturally, we have stuff that by default, we are going to talk about. Overall, just organic experiences. If I love your music, you could have one follower and we gone get it in.
What challenges have shaped you the most?
Not having pops around. Molding myself into who I am going to be and knowing exactly who I don’t want to be. That experience has always kept me pivotal in my approach with things. Being able to realize what it was like not having a role model around, but knowing who I want to be and how I want to present myself.
Not having pops around kept me open, thinking, and being intentional about getting better every day.
How does that play into who you are as a father?
It keeps me intentional about growing. It’s also the most rewarding thing to see all of my sacrifices and all the things I did that required delayed gratification play into how my sons get to have this childhood that I didn’t get curated for me. Being able to watch them be strong individuals at four and six years old is amazing.
My oldest son, we call him DJ. I took him to the studio with me and he made his first song. Fire, bro. Just fire!
Have you always had an understanding of how not having your pops made you feel?
Early on, it was a gray space because my pops wasn’t around, so I wasn’t understanding the cause of how empty I was feeling. I’m just in the motion, knowing that my dad is somewhere floating around the city doing whatever he’s doing. Part of me was just feeling like this bad-ass little kid, wondering to myself, “Why am I not getting it together? I’m just being bad. I don’t understand it.” After gaining peers that had more structured environments, I’d go with them and see them interact with their pops.
I quickly learned that having that type of structure and someone to hold you accountable as a young man was probably the reason why I was lackluster on a couple of the things that I was doing. I’ve always envied, in a respectful manner, when people have that type of stability with they pops. I was always the kid that felt like, “Damn, I wish I could be adopted by them.” Just wanting that type of discipline, knowing I want to be great and create something of myself. Knowing that it’s super hard as a 12- or 13-year-old boy that has all these great ideas, but keeps falling short… seemingly falling short.
What emotions have been hardest for you to acknowledge?
Simply that my feelings really matter. The sadness and tears that we suppress and hold back really matter. They need to get let out and be validated. Being able to be vulnerable enough to talk to people and not feel this sense of judgment or feel that nobody will understand, because people do understand. Knowing that even though we went through hard times and we had to overcome that, it should still feel safe for me to be able to open up about how it made me feel.
Every single relationship I have now curates space for each other. I can be open with anybody, and anybody can be open with me. I pride myself on bringing that type of substance to every relationship & I make sure that it can find its way back to me. I don’t mind being the person who has to be the strong person and show the support, but I love being able to naturally curate relationships where it’s mutual. Having a wide social group, the art of making friends, it’s a blessing, bro. Being open and knowing that it’s so many dope people out here looking to help where they can.
What is mental health to you?
Being able to process your emotions. Your ability to understand how you’re feeling, then being able to release it. How do you get your thoughts out through action or whatever else it takes to clear your palate and get back to a state of being relaxed?
Being attentive to how you feel upstairs and how important it is to everything else you have going on.
Do you feel there’s been a change in your relationship with your mental health?
Understanding that a lot of physical things impact my mental health. Whether it’s a lack of working out or the things I’m consuming, like alcohol or any drug use. Paying attention to how that affects me in the day-to-day processing of my emotions.
Alignment with what feels good. Making sure I’m not in spaces that make me anxious or questionable. Being around things that gives me feel a natural sense of calm.
What coping mechanisms help you?
Quality time with my kids, for sure. Outside of that, I just started making music again seriously probably 60–70 days ago. The way that I feel today compared to three months ago is different. I just stopped drinking again, so I’m 30 days sober. I’ve been able to just write and get things off of my mind. It’s been a good stepping stool for me right now.
I’ve been getting back into a space of being okay with myself. Before, it was like I always needed some sense of company—kids, relationships, or whatever the case may be. Now, I can go home, sit down and write my music, then go to bed. Sometimes we get stuck in these mentalities where we got to stay so busy so we don’t even have to process our emotions. You can run from it as long as you want, but at some point, you do have to confront how you’re feeling.
You mentioned that you’re 30 days sober. What do you want this to be for you?
Two years ago, I was sober for about a year and a half straight. I accomplished the most success I’ve ever had during that moment. I’m mourning to get back to that because I know how focused I am when I’m substance-free. When I’m not distracting myself or forcing myself to have these good times with alcohol.
Getting back to a space where I’m in control, doing exactly what it is that my mind is set on. Getting back aligned with my vision. It’s no pressure. I don’t feel forced. I’ve set a 60-day goal for myself, but I think I’ll just keep it pushing. I want to hit my goal so I can say I did that, and after that, treat it as a day-in and day-out thing. This is my lifestyle now. As sober as I can be is the goal.
Was this self-recognition, or were you encouraged by anyone else to live a sober lifestyle?
This was all self-recognition. I told you when I walked in, I had got a bit of bad news today. I’m super conscious of substance abuse with my family and everyone within my community. It’s a downfall.
I beat myself up a lot about it because I understand it’s important to be able to control yourself naturally with what God gave you. It’s usually me doing a self-audit and making sure I have a clean slate.
You mentioned today was heavy. What was going through your mind?
Like I said, today was heavy. All day I’ve been brainstorming on how I can be there for people without running people away. How do I come through and not bo guard telling them that they need to change they life? How do I actually come with an approach that’s receptive to people?
Figuring out how to pivot, meet people where they’re at, and figure out how to serve the best way possible. How do I pray, be strong, and use all of the gifts and skills that I’ve acquired to be there for people?
Do you cry, or do you feel pressure to not cry in certain spaces?
I let it out. I’ll cry with my friends, by myself, with my kids, but I had to learn that. I can’t suppress that. I don’t like it.
I love how it feels when it flows, when I can just get it out and take a deep breath at the end.
Who do you want to impact musically?
All of these YN’s. I want to show ’em that you can be from the streets, and you can talk about what you want to talk about. I look at music like it’s a testimony of everything that I’ve been through, and I can talk about it still.
However, I don’t have to hold myself to the standard of still being who I used to be. I can tell my story through music, but still be impactful. Be a clean-cut dude that’s not pushing no bullshit. Showing that I can be human, can smile, and not be too prideful. I make music how I make music, but I want people to see how human I can be also. I want to show that these realms can exist together.
What’s the last thing you want to say?
Keep going. Stay at it. One foot in front of the other.
Dayton x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Dayton’s experiences and perspective.
This is Dayton’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Tell me about yourself. What’s your story?
I’m from South Sacramento, born and raised. Early on, I had both parents, and then at about 7 years old, my dad left the house. Early on, it was fun. I have three brothers, and I’m the 2nd youngest. Growing up, it was cool while we were young, but as I got older, I got a little more exposed to the elements and realized there was a lot of drug use inside of my house between my parents. That was probably the biggest reason for my family to split. However, outside of that, I always had my mom, still saw my dad around, and I had my grandma. So I still had a big sense of community with my family growing up.
I dropped out early on, but I went to Valley High School for my freshman year. I got injured my freshman year playing football. It was a 10-week injury. Around that time, I started smoking weed, and once I got injured, I didn’t have the motivation to go back to school. I wanted to figure it out on my own and got a little lost in the sauce.
What’s your relationship like with your family presently?
It’s a little more isolated. I try to stay in my own lane and focus on things that align with what I’m working towards. I can see my family whenever; they’re all around. My dad passed away in 2020, but my mom is still around. My brother is staying with me, and my other brothers are in Sac.
As far as my immediate family, I tend to stay in my bubble to stay on track. It’s environmental. I like to unite with people that have similar passions and are headed the same way I’m headed. As far as it goes, me and my family are still in contact, but I like to form my own sense of community as an adult.
Who had the greatest influence on you?
My peer group—my best friends, by far. We were each other’s role models and father figures. Two or three of my best friends, we tap in every day and chop it up.
Outside of that, my older brother, Derrick. He’s a super cool, laid-back dude and a genius that’s always doing outside-the-box and creative stuff. I kind of got a lot of my passions and creativity from him for sure.
What are three qualities that you’ve taken from your older brother?
He’s quick to listen, slow to respond. He’s intentional about hearing you out. He’s approachable, lets you be who you are, and then gives feedback that’s necessary. He definitely instilled a passion for music in me and expressing myself through that.
Also, fashion. He always liked putting that shit on—just presenting himself well, making it all come together and look nice.
How long have you been doing music?
I never got into an instrument. First grade, I tried the flute, and middle school, I tried the drums. However, I’ve always been rapping. Derrick started off rapping, so I followed in his footsteps. I probably made my first song when I was nine years old.
Over the years, I’ve been in and out of it, but it’s always been a passion. I’m more on the recording side of things. I make a lot of rap music, but I’ve been working with my creative director/engineer, getting into an R&B bag. I’ve been making some R&B music, cleaning it up, and expressing myself differently through music these days.
How do you feel your character allows you to build relationships with other artists/people?
I’m all interaction-based, so I’ll work with you if I like you. If I like your music, I like your style, then I’ll work with you. I am business savvy, so if it’s lucrative to work with you, then I’m open to that, as long as our trajectories are cohesive. I fell all the way back from any bullshit, so I’m trying to align with people that have something positive going on.
I’m trying to put a shift in my music while still expressing things that I’ve been through and who I am. Culturally, we have stuff that by default, we are going to talk about. Overall, just organic experiences. If I love your music, you could have one follower and we gone get it in.
What challenges have shaped you the most?
Not having pops around. Molding myself into who I am going to be and knowing exactly who I don’t want to be. That experience has always kept me pivotal in my approach with things. Being able to realize what it was like not having a role model around, but knowing who I want to be and how I want to present myself.
Not having pops around kept me open, thinking, and being intentional about getting better every day.
How does that play into who you are as a father?
It keeps me intentional about growing. It’s also the most rewarding thing to see all of my sacrifices and all the things I did that required delayed gratification play into how my sons get to have this childhood that I didn’t get curated for me. Being able to watch them be strong individuals at four and six years old is amazing.
My oldest son, we call him DJ. I took him to the studio with me and he made his first song. Fire, bro. Just fire!
Have you always had an understanding of how not having your pops made you feel?
Early on, it was a gray space because my pops wasn’t around, so I wasn’t understanding the cause of how empty I was feeling. I’m just in the motion, knowing that my dad is somewhere floating around the city doing whatever he’s doing. Part of me was just feeling like this bad-ass little kid, wondering to myself, “Why am I not getting it together? I’m just being bad. I don’t understand it.” After gaining peers that had more structured environments, I’d go with them and see them interact with their pops.
I quickly learned that having that type of structure and someone to hold you accountable as a young man was probably the reason why I was lackluster on a couple of the things that I was doing. I’ve always envied, in a respectful manner, when people have that type of stability with they pops. I was always the kid that felt like, “Damn, I wish I could be adopted by them.” Just wanting that type of discipline, knowing I want to be great and create something of myself. Knowing that it’s super hard as a 12- or 13-year-old boy that has all these great ideas, but keeps falling short… seemingly falling short.
What emotions have been hardest for you to acknowledge?
Simply that my feelings really matter. The sadness and tears that we suppress and hold back really matter. They need to get let out and be validated. Being able to be vulnerable enough to talk to people and not feel this sense of judgment or feel that nobody will understand, because people do understand. Knowing that even though we went through hard times and we had to overcome that, it should still feel safe for me to be able to open up about how it made me feel.
Every single relationship I have now curates space for each other. I can be open with anybody, and anybody can be open with me. I pride myself on bringing that type of substance to every relationship & I make sure that it can find its way back to me. I don’t mind being the person who has to be the strong person and show the support, but I love being able to naturally curate relationships where it’s mutual. Having a wide social group, the art of making friends, it’s a blessing, bro. Being open and knowing that it’s so many dope people out here looking to help where they can.
What is mental health to you?
Being able to process your emotions. Your ability to understand how you’re feeling, then being able to release it. How do you get your thoughts out through action or whatever else it takes to clear your palate and get back to a state of being relaxed?
Being attentive to how you feel upstairs and how important it is to everything else you have going on.
Do you feel there’s been a change in your relationship with your mental health?
Understanding that a lot of physical things impact my mental health. Whether it’s a lack of working out or the things I’m consuming, like alcohol or any drug use. Paying attention to how that affects me in the day-to-day processing of my emotions.
Alignment with what feels good. Making sure I’m not in spaces that make me anxious or questionable. Being around things that gives me feel a natural sense of calm.
What coping mechanisms help you?
Quality time with my kids, for sure. Outside of that, I just started making music again seriously probably 60–70 days ago. The way that I feel today compared to three months ago is different. I just stopped drinking again, so I’m 30 days sober. I’ve been able to just write and get things off of my mind. It’s been a good stepping stool for me right now.
I’ve been getting back into a space of being okay with myself. Before, it was like I always needed some sense of company—kids, relationships, or whatever the case may be. Now, I can go home, sit down and write my music, then go to bed. Sometimes we get stuck in these mentalities where we got to stay so busy so we don’t even have to process our emotions. You can run from it as long as you want, but at some point, you do have to confront how you’re feeling.
You mentioned that you’re 30 days sober. What do you want this to be for you?
Two years ago, I was sober for about a year and a half straight. I accomplished the most success I’ve ever had during that moment. I’m mourning to get back to that because I know how focused I am when I’m substance-free. When I’m not distracting myself or forcing myself to have these good times with alcohol.
Getting back to a space where I’m in control, doing exactly what it is that my mind is set on. Getting back aligned with my vision. It’s no pressure. I don’t feel forced. I’ve set a 60-day goal for myself, but I think I’ll just keep it pushing. I want to hit my goal so I can say I did that, and after that, treat it as a day-in and day-out thing. This is my lifestyle now. As sober as I can be is the goal.
Was this self-recognition, or were you encouraged by anyone else to live a sober lifestyle?
This was all self-recognition. I told you when I walked in, I had got a bit of bad news today. I’m super conscious of substance abuse with my family and everyone within my community. It’s a downfall.
I beat myself up a lot about it because I understand it’s important to be able to control yourself naturally with what God gave you. It’s usually me doing a self-audit and making sure I have a clean slate.
You mentioned today was heavy. What was going through your mind?
Like I said, today was heavy. All day I’ve been brainstorming on how I can be there for people without running people away. How do I come through and not bo guard telling them that they need to change they life? How do I actually come with an approach that’s receptive to people?
Figuring out how to pivot, meet people where they’re at, and figure out how to serve the best way possible. How do I pray, be strong, and use all of the gifts and skills that I’ve acquired to be there for people?
Do you cry, or do you feel pressure to not cry in certain spaces?
I let it out. I’ll cry with my friends, by myself, with my kids, but I had to learn that. I can’t suppress that. I don’t like it.
I love how it feels when it flows, when I can just get it out and take a deep breath at the end.
Who do you want to impact musically?
All of these YN’s. I want to show ’em that you can be from the streets, and you can talk about what you want to talk about. I look at music like it’s a testimony of everything that I’ve been through, and I can talk about it still.
However, I don’t have to hold myself to the standard of still being who I used to be. I can tell my story through music, but still be impactful. Be a clean-cut dude that’s not pushing no bullshit. Showing that I can be human, can smile, and not be too prideful. I make music how I make music, but I want people to see how human I can be also. I want to show that these realms can exist together.
What’s the last thing you want to say?
Keep going. Stay at it. One foot in front of the other.
Dayton x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Harold for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Harold B., a veteran, retired teacher and author whose book, The Boy from Bowie, shares his memoirs of a life well lived, highlighting his mistakes and successes.
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Harold’s experiences and perspective. This is Harold’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Where and how did you grow up? Any other details about your background?
I grew up in Halifax County, Virginia, Southern Virginia, 12 miles north of the North Carolina state line. I grew up in a rural area and went to an elementary school with only four rooms. Back then and there, high school started in 8th grade. I grew up without a television until I was in high school, then we eventually got a party line (not private) telephone. We had no running water for the first three years of living in our house in 1955. We had an outhouse.
I got a good education in that rural area, all Black teachers and all Black students that cared about each other and respected each other. There were very few fights, and when there were fights, it was always with our hands, no guns or knives. Amicable community living and Southern hospitality ruled every day. Segregation and racism existed, but there were not too many clashes and very few of them made the newspaper. The NAACP was very active and protected us in our acquisition of jobs and education. We got a good education through our teams of Black teachers through books and stories filled with wisdom.
Growing up, what were you taught about what it means to be a man?
I wasn’t told words about how to be a man; however, it was demonstrated to me every day through my uncle who raised us, James Lynwood Gray Jr., quite the man. He was loyal, dedicated to his wife and raising three children that weren’t his own. He raised me and my two brothers from age 5, 4 and 3 ’til we got to be 18. He respected us and cared for us. That’s what taught me how to be a man, was seeing that example. I also had a perfect example of what not to be, and that was my father who was absent since age 5. He came around now and then, but he never supported my aunt and uncle’s care for us financially. They paid all the expenses for raising us. He was a great manufacturer of untrue statements. He taught me not to be a man who abandons your children and not to be a man who doesn't support people that are supporting your kids. So, I have been a man that’s been loyal to one woman at a time as I dated. Most women I’ve dated had children, so I treated my girlfriends with children as if they were my own. I never took anything from a woman who had children or took from their mouths, I gave generously. I get my generosity from my mom. It is in my blood.
Who had the greatest influence on you?
Uncle James Lynwood Grey Jr. My uncle, a non-blood relative. He couldn’t afford to raise us on his regular income; he had to take a part-time job in order to supplement his income. Also, all of the male teachers at high school were positive influences. My dear pastor, Dr. Thomas E. Holmes was a role model. Seminary trained, he knew the Bible and he taught the Bible. Right beside Uncle James was my Aunt Nannie who had an equal positive influence on my life. Our pastor, Dr. Holmes, could hoop too, but he’d teach first. We never left a message feeling empty, he’d always fill our hearts, brains and our spirits. He said, “Get all you can. Can all you get. Then, open the can and share your knowledge with others,” and that’s what I live by. He was my pastor from first or 2nd grade until I left for college.
Can you describe a day that you’ll never forget and why?
I’ll never forget the day I left home from Virginia to go to college in Bowie, Maryland. It felt good to leave home. I always wanted to escape that area, even though it was loving and supportive. I wanted to get away from segregation, an oppressive and segregated environment. The day I will never forget is when my aunt and uncle brought me to the Greyhound bus station and later, I learned that my aunt broke down and cried when I left. I was like her oldest child. When she told me that, it was very moving because I didn’t know I meant that much to her and I’d be missed like that. She said when she saw my big hand waving at her, she knew I was leaving for real.
Are you the oldest?
I’m the oldest. We were raised by Nannie Gray, maiden name Jordan. I had 3 other siblings born later. My mom was sick when I was 5 and was in the hospital for two years, then she moved up north and started a new family. She raised them up north, while we stayed down south with our aunt and uncle. I was closer with my brothers that I grew up with, but we don’t call each other half siblings or anything like that, we’re brothers and sisters.
What were some emotions that were hard for you to acknowledge growing up?
I didn’t realize this until a few years ago. My mom went to the hospital in Virginia because she had been sick. When she got out of the hospital, we thought that mom was coming to get us. She never came back; she went north to Pennsylvania. There were similarities between my mom and my dad. My dad abandoned us at age 5, my mom never came back after age 8 or 9.
How did that make you feel when you reflected on that situation?
At the time, I’m a grown man and retired. At the time when this was happening, I was being raised, fed and going to school, then went to college. Then, just a few years ago I was thinking about my life, writing my book and I realized that my mom never came back to get us and my dad abandoned us. Then, I asked myself how are they different? One thing that was extremely different. My mom, the most generous person I know, gave me funds while I was in college, from the beginning to the end. My dad, he promised to send me to college and paid for part of the first semester, then disappeared. I recently found out that my dad did the same thing to my younger brother, Gregory. We had never talked about it before because it was something in our mind that we didn’t want to think about. It was a negative experience, lots of negative things that happened to me, but I don’t share or talk about them.
Now, I have shared lots of things in my book because I had to open up and reveal my true story and some things in detail. Also, we both had great support systems at our colleges. When my father stopped supporting me, my college stepped up. Ms. Alonia Fletcher, acquired me a senatorial scholarship from Maryland’s state assembly. Dr. Julius Gooding hired me as an assistant to work in his greenhouse. That is why I have such a green thumb person today because of my training at Bowie State College. I’m healthy. I keep myself healthy and eat the best food made by my wife. We don’t eat too much grease or fried foods. We try to eat a lot of plant-based foods and fish, but we don’t eat any bottom feeders. We have a garden out back that my wife takes care of, then I take care of our flower garden out front.
How do you feel that your relationship with mental health has changed over time?
Self-awareness. It’s important that people know who their natural parents are because it’s important to know who you come from. I am fortunate that my aunt and uncle were well balanced emotionally when they raised me. Also, at Bowie State, my major was history, social science and politics, but my minor was psychology and I had a class that was called abnormal psychology. Psychology courses and observing case studies helped me to be mindful of people with off centered mental balance. I think all people are a little off mentally or emotionally from time to time and it’s important to be aware of that in order to check yourself. I am aware mental illness runs in my family. For example, I know my mom and dad had a mental problem. How do you abandon your family? If mental illness is in your family, you should look in the mirror because most likely a part of it could exist within you.
What coping mechanisms have helped you take care of yourself?
Being around positive, well-rounded people. Also, taking care of my health through exercising, eating good food, staying away from toxic people. Stay away from people doing crazy things, people out of control with drugs and alcohol. Music and prayer are soothing to the mind, body and soul. Also, know how to have a good fence up. “Good fences make good neighbors” is a repeated proverb in Robert Frost’s 1914 poem Mending Wall, spoken by the neighbor who insists on maintaining the boundary wall between properties. You don’t tell everyone everything, however treat everyone with respect, kindness and dignity. Try to understand others, be open-minded, yet have your personal constitution. I try to be accepting of other people, get to know them and give them a chance. I try to walk our Yorkshire dog, Empress, at least 14 times a week, so twice a day. I try to get about 4,000-6,000 steps in a day. Right now, I’m at a streak of 100 days straight of meeting that goal.
What’s one expectation placed on men that needs to change?
Respect yourself, and respect women. I’m an educated man with a high school diploma, bachelor’s degree, master’s degree and still, I truly believe that women are smarter than men. Many men that say that they are smarter than women know they're not. They use other qualities like being aggressive or overbearing to try to prove their superiority. I see disrespect towards women both personally and professionally. Men must know themselves and be true to themselves. Treat women right. Because now there are young boys in elementary and middle school that are ready to fight a girl in a moment and vice versa. That’s ridiculous. All in order to prove who they are. We must respect all people. We don’t put them down and we don’t allow them to put us down. Have a personal constitution and stand by it.
If you could tell your younger self, what would it be?
I would tell myself that you did a good job by the grace of God. I didn’t do it on my own, I have had good support systems, strangers have looked out for me that I don’t even know. Some of them had a one time calling to speak or act into my life for my favor just once. I was blessed.
What does being a man mean to you?
Being a man means being a person of integrity, character and while these words are synonymous, being a person of respect, kindness, strength, compassion, understanding, a good communicator and don’t be afraid to shed tears. Being a good person. All of us are valuable and we must treat each person like they’re valuable.
Peace & Love. We all need somebody to love. We need people who care about and respect us that we can have confidence in. Love Everybody.
Keep your head on a swivel. It has saved me more than once.
Harold x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Harold’s experiences and perspective. This is Harold’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Where and how did you grow up? Any other details about your background?
I grew up in Halifax County, Virginia, Southern Virginia, 12 miles north of the North Carolina state line. I grew up in a rural area and went to an elementary school with only four rooms. Back then and there, high school started in 8th grade. I grew up without a television until I was in high school, then we eventually got a party line (not private) telephone. We had no running water for the first three years of living in our house in 1955. We had an outhouse.
I got a good education in that rural area, all Black teachers and all Black students that cared about each other and respected each other. There were very few fights, and when there were fights, it was always with our hands, no guns or knives. Amicable community living and Southern hospitality ruled every day. Segregation and racism existed, but there were not too many clashes and very few of them made the newspaper. The NAACP was very active and protected us in our acquisition of jobs and education. We got a good education through our teams of Black teachers through books and stories filled with wisdom.
Growing up, what were you taught about what it means to be a man?
I wasn’t told words about how to be a man; however, it was demonstrated to me every day through my uncle who raised us, James Lynwood Gray Jr., quite the man. He was loyal, dedicated to his wife and raising three children that weren’t his own. He raised me and my two brothers from age 5, 4 and 3 ’til we got to be 18. He respected us and cared for us. That’s what taught me how to be a man, was seeing that example. I also had a perfect example of what not to be, and that was my father who was absent since age 5. He came around now and then, but he never supported my aunt and uncle’s care for us financially. They paid all the expenses for raising us. He was a great manufacturer of untrue statements. He taught me not to be a man who abandons your children and not to be a man who doesn't support people that are supporting your kids. So, I have been a man that’s been loyal to one woman at a time as I dated. Most women I’ve dated had children, so I treated my girlfriends with children as if they were my own. I never took anything from a woman who had children or took from their mouths, I gave generously. I get my generosity from my mom. It is in my blood.
Who had the greatest influence on you?
Uncle James Lynwood Grey Jr. My uncle, a non-blood relative. He couldn’t afford to raise us on his regular income; he had to take a part-time job in order to supplement his income. Also, all of the male teachers at high school were positive influences. My dear pastor, Dr. Thomas E. Holmes was a role model. Seminary trained, he knew the Bible and he taught the Bible. Right beside Uncle James was my Aunt Nannie who had an equal positive influence on my life. Our pastor, Dr. Holmes, could hoop too, but he’d teach first. We never left a message feeling empty, he’d always fill our hearts, brains and our spirits. He said, “Get all you can. Can all you get. Then, open the can and share your knowledge with others,” and that’s what I live by. He was my pastor from first or 2nd grade until I left for college.
Can you describe a day that you’ll never forget and why?
I’ll never forget the day I left home from Virginia to go to college in Bowie, Maryland. It felt good to leave home. I always wanted to escape that area, even though it was loving and supportive. I wanted to get away from segregation, an oppressive and segregated environment. The day I will never forget is when my aunt and uncle brought me to the Greyhound bus station and later, I learned that my aunt broke down and cried when I left. I was like her oldest child. When she told me that, it was very moving because I didn’t know I meant that much to her and I’d be missed like that. She said when she saw my big hand waving at her, she knew I was leaving for real.
Are you the oldest?
I’m the oldest. We were raised by Nannie Gray, maiden name Jordan. I had 3 other siblings born later. My mom was sick when I was 5 and was in the hospital for two years, then she moved up north and started a new family. She raised them up north, while we stayed down south with our aunt and uncle. I was closer with my brothers that I grew up with, but we don’t call each other half siblings or anything like that, we’re brothers and sisters.
What were some emotions that were hard for you to acknowledge growing up?
I didn’t realize this until a few years ago. My mom went to the hospital in Virginia because she had been sick. When she got out of the hospital, we thought that mom was coming to get us. She never came back; she went north to Pennsylvania. There were similarities between my mom and my dad. My dad abandoned us at age 5, my mom never came back after age 8 or 9.
How did that make you feel when you reflected on that situation?
At the time, I’m a grown man and retired. At the time when this was happening, I was being raised, fed and going to school, then went to college. Then, just a few years ago I was thinking about my life, writing my book and I realized that my mom never came back to get us and my dad abandoned us. Then, I asked myself how are they different? One thing that was extremely different. My mom, the most generous person I know, gave me funds while I was in college, from the beginning to the end. My dad, he promised to send me to college and paid for part of the first semester, then disappeared. I recently found out that my dad did the same thing to my younger brother, Gregory. We had never talked about it before because it was something in our mind that we didn’t want to think about. It was a negative experience, lots of negative things that happened to me, but I don’t share or talk about them.
Now, I have shared lots of things in my book because I had to open up and reveal my true story and some things in detail. Also, we both had great support systems at our colleges. When my father stopped supporting me, my college stepped up. Ms. Alonia Fletcher, acquired me a senatorial scholarship from Maryland’s state assembly. Dr. Julius Gooding hired me as an assistant to work in his greenhouse. That is why I have such a green thumb person today because of my training at Bowie State College. I’m healthy. I keep myself healthy and eat the best food made by my wife. We don’t eat too much grease or fried foods. We try to eat a lot of plant-based foods and fish, but we don’t eat any bottom feeders. We have a garden out back that my wife takes care of, then I take care of our flower garden out front.
How do you feel that your relationship with mental health has changed over time?
Self-awareness. It’s important that people know who their natural parents are because it’s important to know who you come from. I am fortunate that my aunt and uncle were well balanced emotionally when they raised me. Also, at Bowie State, my major was history, social science and politics, but my minor was psychology and I had a class that was called abnormal psychology. Psychology courses and observing case studies helped me to be mindful of people with off centered mental balance. I think all people are a little off mentally or emotionally from time to time and it’s important to be aware of that in order to check yourself. I am aware mental illness runs in my family. For example, I know my mom and dad had a mental problem. How do you abandon your family? If mental illness is in your family, you should look in the mirror because most likely a part of it could exist within you.
What coping mechanisms have helped you take care of yourself?
Being around positive, well-rounded people. Also, taking care of my health through exercising, eating good food, staying away from toxic people. Stay away from people doing crazy things, people out of control with drugs and alcohol. Music and prayer are soothing to the mind, body and soul. Also, know how to have a good fence up. “Good fences make good neighbors” is a repeated proverb in Robert Frost’s 1914 poem Mending Wall, spoken by the neighbor who insists on maintaining the boundary wall between properties. You don’t tell everyone everything, however treat everyone with respect, kindness and dignity. Try to understand others, be open-minded, yet have your personal constitution. I try to be accepting of other people, get to know them and give them a chance. I try to walk our Yorkshire dog, Empress, at least 14 times a week, so twice a day. I try to get about 4,000-6,000 steps in a day. Right now, I’m at a streak of 100 days straight of meeting that goal.
What’s one expectation placed on men that needs to change?
Respect yourself, and respect women. I’m an educated man with a high school diploma, bachelor’s degree, master’s degree and still, I truly believe that women are smarter than men. Many men that say that they are smarter than women know they're not. They use other qualities like being aggressive or overbearing to try to prove their superiority. I see disrespect towards women both personally and professionally. Men must know themselves and be true to themselves. Treat women right. Because now there are young boys in elementary and middle school that are ready to fight a girl in a moment and vice versa. That’s ridiculous. All in order to prove who they are. We must respect all people. We don’t put them down and we don’t allow them to put us down. Have a personal constitution and stand by it.
If you could tell your younger self, what would it be?
I would tell myself that you did a good job by the grace of God. I didn’t do it on my own, I have had good support systems, strangers have looked out for me that I don’t even know. Some of them had a one time calling to speak or act into my life for my favor just once. I was blessed.
What does being a man mean to you?
Being a man means being a person of integrity, character and while these words are synonymous, being a person of respect, kindness, strength, compassion, understanding, a good communicator and don’t be afraid to shed tears. Being a good person. All of us are valuable and we must treat each person like they’re valuable.
Peace & Love. We all need somebody to love. We need people who care about and respect us that we can have confidence in. Love Everybody.
Keep your head on a swivel. It has saved me more than once.
Harold x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Robbie for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Robbie, co-founder and co-owner of HERE—Human Experience, Reserve Earth—a community platform focused on creating meaningful, in-person experiences both within Sacramento and beyond.
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Robbie’s experiences and perspective.
This is Robbie's story for Project H.O.P.3. men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who or what has had the greatest influence on the man you are today?
My parents had a huge influence on me. They did the absolute best they could to give me a good life and raise me well. At the same time, after my parents divorced, I saw my dad during a really weak and difficult period of his life. As a teenager, I didn’t understand what he was going through. I lost some respect for him, and I started rebelling—drinking, smoking and doing typical teenage shit. Because of that, I also feel like I grew up alongside my friends. My closest friends became my brothers. Mars and Tony, specifically, came from backgrounds that were similar to mine. In a lot of ways, we learned together what it meant to become men.
What challenged you the most in your twenties compared with your thirties?
The biggest challenge throughout my life has been learning how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I was shy as a kid, and as I became a teenager and entered my twenties, that shyness developed into social anxiety. At the time, drinking felt like a godsend. It felt like the key to no longer being scared or nervous and finally feeling comfortable around people. But there are two sides to that coin. Alcohol eventually took me down a path that was extremely unhealthy. I also had to realize that the confidence it gave me wasn’t real confidence. It was artificial, and it disappeared when the alcohol did. Now, in my thirties, I’m learning how to develop that confidence internally. I still experience social anxiety. The difference is that I’m learning how to work through it while being fully present and becoming more comfortable with who I actually am.
What emotions were the hardest to acknowledge once you stopped drinking?
Fear. I was afraid I would be boring. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in. I wondered how I was ever going to socialize or connect with people as the person who no longer drank. I recently heard the quote, “Everything you want in life is on the other side of your fears.” Now, whenever I feel genuinely afraid of something, part of me thinks, “Shit. I guess that’s something I have to do.”
Do you go to therapy? Why or why not?
I’ve tried therapy, but I haven’t found traditional therapy to be practical, hands-on or experiential enough for what I personally need. I respond well to structure. I need a program with clear actions I can take and principles I can apply to my life. That’s one reason the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have been so valuable to me. For me, that kind of practical and structured recovery work has been the most beneficial.
Who relies on you to be yourself?
I hope the people closest to me—my friends, my family and the people I work with—get the most out of me when I’m being the most honest and authentic version of myself. That’s ultimately the version of me who can show up for other people in the best way.
What is one expectation of men that you feel needs to be different?
I think our understanding of masculinity has become warped, especially through social media. There are so many popular versions of masculinity today that are rooted in dominance, aggression, and this performative idea of what it means to be a powerful man. I believe we need to return to some of the fundamentals. Be a protector. If you see someone in danger or a fight happening, help. Don’t just stand there and record it. Be a gentleman. Be a provider. Not only financially, but by identifying the value you have and giving that value to the people around you. Take what you’ve learned and help the people coming up behind you. I think healthy masculinity is really about responsibility, emotional strength, service, and leaving the people around you better than you found them.
How much do culture and community influence how you carry yourself?
When I first started throwing parties and producing events, I wasn’t thinking about any larger purpose. I wanted to have fun, bring people together and create a good party. Today, I genuinely understand how important it is to create places where people can gather that feel safe, fun and forward-thinking. I think that has become even more important since COVID and with the rise of TikTok, Reels, Stories and the amount of time we spend consuming life through our phones. As human beings, we need each other. We need real interaction. We need to sing, dance, laugh, connect and be reminded to enjoy being alive. We all have to work and handle the responsibilities required to survive in this world, but we have to enjoy our lives too. I feel deeply connected to that mission now, and it was a major part of why we rebranded as HERE: be here, be present and connect with people. Parties are one expression of that, but I want HERE to create many different kinds of experiences that help people genuinely connect.
What gives you hope as you move forward personally?
People seem to be drinking less and becoming more intentional about how they spend their time and socialize. That gives me a lot of hope. It feels like the next generation may be moving away from the idea that every weekend has to revolve around getting drunk and disconnecting from yourself. You see people organizing run clubs, pilates parties and other experiences that allow people to gather and hold space for one another in healthier, more positive ways. It gives me hope that we’re evolving and finding new ways to be together.
What is healing to you?
Healing to me is being deeply and completely honest with yourself. When I first stopped drinking, admitting that I had a problem was a huge step. Before that, I wasn’t willing to be honest about how bad my life had become. At that point, I was drinking a fifth of alcohol every day. I would wake up shaking and have to take a few shots just to level myself out. I remember one day when I couldn’t afford another bottle and couldn’t find anyone willing to loan me money. I was lying on my kitchen floor, thinking, “How did it get this fucking bad?” That was a moment of surrender. Deep honesty. I’ve experienced several major periods of growth in my life that began the same way: recognizing that something wasn’t working, getting completely honest with myself and accepting that I had to change. Everything that shows up in your life is a mirror. To me, healing is honesty.
Robbie x Project H.O.P.3 💛
Through our conversation, we hope you’re able to take something valuable from Robbie’s experiences and perspective.
This is Robbie's story for Project H.O.P.3. men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who or what has had the greatest influence on the man you are today?
My parents had a huge influence on me. They did the absolute best they could to give me a good life and raise me well. At the same time, after my parents divorced, I saw my dad during a really weak and difficult period of his life. As a teenager, I didn’t understand what he was going through. I lost some respect for him, and I started rebelling—drinking, smoking and doing typical teenage shit. Because of that, I also feel like I grew up alongside my friends. My closest friends became my brothers. Mars and Tony, specifically, came from backgrounds that were similar to mine. In a lot of ways, we learned together what it meant to become men.
What challenged you the most in your twenties compared with your thirties?
The biggest challenge throughout my life has been learning how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I was shy as a kid, and as I became a teenager and entered my twenties, that shyness developed into social anxiety. At the time, drinking felt like a godsend. It felt like the key to no longer being scared or nervous and finally feeling comfortable around people. But there are two sides to that coin. Alcohol eventually took me down a path that was extremely unhealthy. I also had to realize that the confidence it gave me wasn’t real confidence. It was artificial, and it disappeared when the alcohol did. Now, in my thirties, I’m learning how to develop that confidence internally. I still experience social anxiety. The difference is that I’m learning how to work through it while being fully present and becoming more comfortable with who I actually am.
What emotions were the hardest to acknowledge once you stopped drinking?
Fear. I was afraid I would be boring. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in. I wondered how I was ever going to socialize or connect with people as the person who no longer drank. I recently heard the quote, “Everything you want in life is on the other side of your fears.” Now, whenever I feel genuinely afraid of something, part of me thinks, “Shit. I guess that’s something I have to do.”
Do you go to therapy? Why or why not?
I’ve tried therapy, but I haven’t found traditional therapy to be practical, hands-on or experiential enough for what I personally need. I respond well to structure. I need a program with clear actions I can take and principles I can apply to my life. That’s one reason the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have been so valuable to me. For me, that kind of practical and structured recovery work has been the most beneficial.
Who relies on you to be yourself?
I hope the people closest to me—my friends, my family and the people I work with—get the most out of me when I’m being the most honest and authentic version of myself. That’s ultimately the version of me who can show up for other people in the best way.
What is one expectation of men that you feel needs to be different?
I think our understanding of masculinity has become warped, especially through social media. There are so many popular versions of masculinity today that are rooted in dominance, aggression, and this performative idea of what it means to be a powerful man. I believe we need to return to some of the fundamentals. Be a protector. If you see someone in danger or a fight happening, help. Don’t just stand there and record it. Be a gentleman. Be a provider. Not only financially, but by identifying the value you have and giving that value to the people around you. Take what you’ve learned and help the people coming up behind you. I think healthy masculinity is really about responsibility, emotional strength, service, and leaving the people around you better than you found them.
How much do culture and community influence how you carry yourself?
When I first started throwing parties and producing events, I wasn’t thinking about any larger purpose. I wanted to have fun, bring people together and create a good party. Today, I genuinely understand how important it is to create places where people can gather that feel safe, fun and forward-thinking. I think that has become even more important since COVID and with the rise of TikTok, Reels, Stories and the amount of time we spend consuming life through our phones. As human beings, we need each other. We need real interaction. We need to sing, dance, laugh, connect and be reminded to enjoy being alive. We all have to work and handle the responsibilities required to survive in this world, but we have to enjoy our lives too. I feel deeply connected to that mission now, and it was a major part of why we rebranded as HERE: be here, be present and connect with people. Parties are one expression of that, but I want HERE to create many different kinds of experiences that help people genuinely connect.
What gives you hope as you move forward personally?
People seem to be drinking less and becoming more intentional about how they spend their time and socialize. That gives me a lot of hope. It feels like the next generation may be moving away from the idea that every weekend has to revolve around getting drunk and disconnecting from yourself. You see people organizing run clubs, pilates parties and other experiences that allow people to gather and hold space for one another in healthier, more positive ways. It gives me hope that we’re evolving and finding new ways to be together.
What is healing to you?
Healing to me is being deeply and completely honest with yourself. When I first stopped drinking, admitting that I had a problem was a huge step. Before that, I wasn’t willing to be honest about how bad my life had become. At that point, I was drinking a fifth of alcohol every day. I would wake up shaking and have to take a few shots just to level myself out. I remember one day when I couldn’t afford another bottle and couldn’t find anyone willing to loan me money. I was lying on my kitchen floor, thinking, “How did it get this fucking bad?” That was a moment of surrender. Deep honesty. I’ve experienced several major periods of growth in my life that began the same way: recognizing that something wasn’t working, getting completely honest with myself and accepting that I had to change. Everything that shows up in your life is a mirror. To me, healing is honesty.
Robbie x Project H.O.P.3 💛
LaVontae for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet LaVontae Hill, a licensed therapist, inspirational speaker and the Founder of Open Heart Journey. Open Heart Journey is a consulting and speaking company rooted in mental health, resilience, and personal transformation.
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is LaVontae’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who has played a large role in shaping who you are?
My brother. My brother has helped shape the man that I am, how I carry myself, how I navigate business and all aspects of life. Next would be my mother, she’s played a pivotal role in understanding what unconditional love looks like, how to give to others and be that type of person. My dad instilled the importance of making sure that I hold myself to a standard. However, the largest would be my older brother because that’s been my ace all of my life. My brother is the reason I went to Sac State, I wanted to go to school with him.
What does mental health mean to you now? Both personally and as a mental health professional.
Mental health is the ability to have an equilibrium of your psychological, emotional and physical needs. Making sure that all of those things are in harmony. It is learning to understand your emotions, so that you don’t neglect the things that you need. Whether that be I need a hug, or to communicate that you hurt my feelings. It is being able to be honest and open with yourself for the betterment of being able to not have what’s been suppressed bleed into other parts of your world. Exercise can be therapeutic, but it is not your therapy. Mental health is acknowledgment.
Professionally, it is you understanding how certain parts of you play a certain part in your everyday life. It’s the capacity that you have to be so self aware, both physically and emotionally. It is being aware of how your past may affect you presently, then learning how to address it in a way that doesn’t disrupt your daily life. Sometimes we neglect how we have played a role in what’s happening in our life. For example, the way that I start my day has the ability to disrupt what my day looks like later or has the ability to make what I’m doing great. Also, the ability to acknowledge people around you plays a role, what you consume throughout the day, what you’re looking at on social media, and how you respond to stress. For example, if all you do is listen to music when you get stressed out, then you never have enough time to spend with what’s happening in your mind. At least not until it’s time for you to go to sleep and now you’re wide awake every night.
What are some coping mechanisms that you feel are detrimental to and for a man?
Some of the things as a man that I believe are restorative tools is being able to chop it up with our boys. A lot of men think that having an intimate relationship is weird, however what it really means is that me and the homie might be chillin, or having conversations beyond the surface level. It is the ability to take off the weight for a second. Another coping mechanism is having something in your life that allows for your body to move. It sends chemicals in your body that make you feel good. Next, it would be knowing what brings you joy and being able to identify that for yourself. Lastly, finding your big three coping mechanisms that you can use for different areas of your life. For example, there’s certain things you can do for yourself at home vs. what you can do for yourself while you’re at work. It’s knowing how to help yourself in different situations.
Internalizing is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. Boys don’t lose emotions, they lose permission to feel them. For example, you can ask a man how they feel and all they will say is that I am good. Here are a few reasons: 1. I can’t show you that my armor has cuts in it. 2. I can’t show you because I think you’re going to use it against me. 3. If I show you what’s going on with me, then what does that say about me as a man. So, this ability for a man to always be super strong at face value is a maladaptive practice. Suppression is the reality of the fact that we may not feel safe enough to tell you how/what I really feel and this is the only way I feel I have the capacity to stay in your space.
It’s easier for us to do that because we’re raised being told “Man up, toughen up, you’re okay.”
What gives you hope in your mental health journey in your personal life?
Vulnerability gives me the most hope. In 2019, I had to tell my older brother that I’m ready to take my own life. He had to tell me that if I don’t learn how to be vulnerable with myself, then this life will consume me. At the time, I thought that wasn’t being a man. I had to realize that being vulnerable is being a man. You don’t know what the world has in store for you. You may know what you have in store for you, but you don’t know what the world does. I had to take off the mask. In order to get to a point of light, that darkness that I had to go through or that we’ll all have to go through is necessary.
Everyone goes through a certain level of darkness to understand how to respond and discover what it’s trying to prepare them for, in order to embrace everything that life is supposed to be for them.
LaVontae Hill x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is LaVontae’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who has played a large role in shaping who you are?
My brother. My brother has helped shape the man that I am, how I carry myself, how I navigate business and all aspects of life. Next would be my mother, she’s played a pivotal role in understanding what unconditional love looks like, how to give to others and be that type of person. My dad instilled the importance of making sure that I hold myself to a standard. However, the largest would be my older brother because that’s been my ace all of my life. My brother is the reason I went to Sac State, I wanted to go to school with him.
What does mental health mean to you now? Both personally and as a mental health professional.
Mental health is the ability to have an equilibrium of your psychological, emotional and physical needs. Making sure that all of those things are in harmony. It is learning to understand your emotions, so that you don’t neglect the things that you need. Whether that be I need a hug, or to communicate that you hurt my feelings. It is being able to be honest and open with yourself for the betterment of being able to not have what’s been suppressed bleed into other parts of your world. Exercise can be therapeutic, but it is not your therapy. Mental health is acknowledgment.
Professionally, it is you understanding how certain parts of you play a certain part in your everyday life. It’s the capacity that you have to be so self aware, both physically and emotionally. It is being aware of how your past may affect you presently, then learning how to address it in a way that doesn’t disrupt your daily life. Sometimes we neglect how we have played a role in what’s happening in our life. For example, the way that I start my day has the ability to disrupt what my day looks like later or has the ability to make what I’m doing great. Also, the ability to acknowledge people around you plays a role, what you consume throughout the day, what you’re looking at on social media, and how you respond to stress. For example, if all you do is listen to music when you get stressed out, then you never have enough time to spend with what’s happening in your mind. At least not until it’s time for you to go to sleep and now you’re wide awake every night.
What are some coping mechanisms that you feel are detrimental to and for a man?
Some of the things as a man that I believe are restorative tools is being able to chop it up with our boys. A lot of men think that having an intimate relationship is weird, however what it really means is that me and the homie might be chillin, or having conversations beyond the surface level. It is the ability to take off the weight for a second. Another coping mechanism is having something in your life that allows for your body to move. It sends chemicals in your body that make you feel good. Next, it would be knowing what brings you joy and being able to identify that for yourself. Lastly, finding your big three coping mechanisms that you can use for different areas of your life. For example, there’s certain things you can do for yourself at home vs. what you can do for yourself while you’re at work. It’s knowing how to help yourself in different situations.
Internalizing is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. Boys don’t lose emotions, they lose permission to feel them. For example, you can ask a man how they feel and all they will say is that I am good. Here are a few reasons: 1. I can’t show you that my armor has cuts in it. 2. I can’t show you because I think you’re going to use it against me. 3. If I show you what’s going on with me, then what does that say about me as a man. So, this ability for a man to always be super strong at face value is a maladaptive practice. Suppression is the reality of the fact that we may not feel safe enough to tell you how/what I really feel and this is the only way I feel I have the capacity to stay in your space.
It’s easier for us to do that because we’re raised being told “Man up, toughen up, you’re okay.”
What gives you hope in your mental health journey in your personal life?
Vulnerability gives me the most hope. In 2019, I had to tell my older brother that I’m ready to take my own life. He had to tell me that if I don’t learn how to be vulnerable with myself, then this life will consume me. At the time, I thought that wasn’t being a man. I had to realize that being vulnerable is being a man. You don’t know what the world has in store for you. You may know what you have in store for you, but you don’t know what the world does. I had to take off the mask. In order to get to a point of light, that darkness that I had to go through or that we’ll all have to go through is necessary.
Everyone goes through a certain level of darkness to understand how to respond and discover what it’s trying to prepare them for, in order to embrace everything that life is supposed to be for them.
LaVontae Hill x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Stephan for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Stephan Bowman, an army veteran, author and founder of Bowman StoryWorks. Bowman StoryWorks focuses on creating stories that connect with children and families. Their books aim to entertain, educate and open hearts while encouraging young readers to see the world with curiosity, kindness and understanding.
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is Stephan’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who do you feel like had the greatest influence on you growing up?
When I was a child, I remember my mom used to work at Joanne’s. One day there was a bad storm in Sacramento, pouring rain, power outages all over the city, and big gusts of winds. My mom still got up that day and walked over a mile to get to work. I thought to myself how I didn’t even want to step outside, and wouldn’t be caught in the wet and cold weather. That’s my why, she’s the reason I feel like I can't give up on things and why I have to keep going no matter the circumstances.
What inspired you to write your first book?
I usually keep everything close to my chest until I’m ready to release. It was a combination of having a child and challenging myself to do something new that I previously never saw myself doing. Next, I started doing research and figuring out how to do it the right way.
How much do you feel that your life has changed for the better because of your son?
He’s given me a greater sense of responsibility. I’ve always been inspired by artists like Tupac and Nipsey, and now that I have a son he motivates me to do things to inspire him. So, I believe I have to do so many things in my own life that he can admire one day. For example, I recently went back to school. I want to be able to encourage him to try so many different things in life, and don’t want to be met with the resistance of, “Dad, you never even tried that.” Also, the things that I used to do before he was present were reckless, so it’s taught me to be more responsible, tighten up and make better choices.
What challenges or experiences have shaped you the most?
Well, I graduated from Laguna Creek, then I went to CRC for two semesters and got recruited to the army. The army was the first time that I ever had been on a plane, first time away from home, and in the beginning was a nerve racking experience. I used to be playful and selfish, so I would get in trouble a lot. Usually, when this happens the sergeants smoke you out, which means they single you out and make you do extra pushups or other physical activities as punishment. They quickly realized that that didn’t affect me, so one day my sergeant came up to me and said, “I know how to get you.” The next time I got in trouble he smoked the whole platoon, while I had to sit there and watch. It made me realize that my actions affect the people around me, even if I don’t think that they do. The army added discipline which helped me hone in on who I am.
Has coparenting been your biggest obstacle emotionally? If not, what is?
Coparenting is the most emotionally challenging thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Coparenting for me right now is a lot of turbulence, and I haven’t gotten to the point where it’s smooth sailing just yet. However, I’m learning, getting better at it and becoming more emotionally intelligent everyday.
Outside of coparenting, death has been one of my biggest obstacles as well. When I first got to the army, they asked us to raise our hands if we’ve ever seen anybody die and I remember I was one of the only people who raised my hand. In some ways, I think death has shaped some of who I am.
How do you think grief has shaped you?
Grief has shaped me both positively and negatively, but probably a lot more negatively than I let on. When people say they don’t give a fuck, I really don’t think they mean it, but I do. Even if I know what I’m doing is wrong. I think because I am missing people, then I feel as if I’m stuck here with a lot of people that don’t have the same amount of love to give to me as the person who passed away did.
However, I am growing into a new version of myself because I understand it’s also a crutch. I know that I truly do give a fuck, but I present otherwise on the exterior. But I like tight stuff, I like to see people do cool things, I like to meet cool people and ultimately see people live because we’re alive. I can’t just sit here, be mad and morbid all day.
While I am growing, sometimes in the middle of a conversation I can start thinking about people I miss and zone out. I haven’t gotten over that and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.
What is helping you on your healing journey?
Honestly, God has made me be truly self-aware. I sit and spend a lot of time with myself. I assess and determine how I can continue to grow. Also, I don’t like to be too high or too low. I like to be level-headed. Due to my emotions being imbalanced, I decided to take myself to therapy. I know the thoughts in my head, so I would be thinking to myself if I get mad enough, then I could do this. I knew I didn’t want to make a mistake I couldn’t come back from. When I went to therapy for the first time, the therapist informed me that I was practicing forms of self therapy. More recently, I am getting back to being vulnerable with others and finding more creative outlets. For example, arts, poetry, writing books and sharing them.
When do you feel most seen? Are you able to show this side of yourself that’s healing to those that you’re around most?
I don’t. I struggle with that because people naturally want to remember the things that I used to do when I was young, and can’t see past them. A lot of people see me, then remind me about things that I used to when I was 18. I don’t feel like this healed side of me will be seen until I fully do the work, and I’m ready to show it to the world. People are starting to see the transition, but I know that I have to put years into the new version of myself until people begin to truly accept who I am.
If you could speak to your younger self, what would you tell him?
You gone be aight. There’s power in vulnerability. I would warn him about his relationships with women. I would tell him that you’re going to feel like you can do whatever you want to do, but don’t. Show some restraint and hold your value as a man. I would give him money advice too. Save your money. Don’t waste it on superficial things or possessions.
How do you want to be remembered?
I believe the greatest thing that we can do is to inspire which is why I have it tatted on my neck. If I can spark inspiration and motivation in somebody that’d be enough. I would like to be remembered as somebody who was a trailblazer, doing my thing authentically, but sparked trends and ideas in others. Most of all I want to make sure that my son is inspired by me. I want to be remembered as a good person, loving family member, somebody who played too much, and that was not perfect, but was an inspiration while I was here.
Stephan x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is Stephan’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
Who do you feel like had the greatest influence on you growing up?
When I was a child, I remember my mom used to work at Joanne’s. One day there was a bad storm in Sacramento, pouring rain, power outages all over the city, and big gusts of winds. My mom still got up that day and walked over a mile to get to work. I thought to myself how I didn’t even want to step outside, and wouldn’t be caught in the wet and cold weather. That’s my why, she’s the reason I feel like I can't give up on things and why I have to keep going no matter the circumstances.
What inspired you to write your first book?
I usually keep everything close to my chest until I’m ready to release. It was a combination of having a child and challenging myself to do something new that I previously never saw myself doing. Next, I started doing research and figuring out how to do it the right way.
How much do you feel that your life has changed for the better because of your son?
He’s given me a greater sense of responsibility. I’ve always been inspired by artists like Tupac and Nipsey, and now that I have a son he motivates me to do things to inspire him. So, I believe I have to do so many things in my own life that he can admire one day. For example, I recently went back to school. I want to be able to encourage him to try so many different things in life, and don’t want to be met with the resistance of, “Dad, you never even tried that.” Also, the things that I used to do before he was present were reckless, so it’s taught me to be more responsible, tighten up and make better choices.
What challenges or experiences have shaped you the most?
Well, I graduated from Laguna Creek, then I went to CRC for two semesters and got recruited to the army. The army was the first time that I ever had been on a plane, first time away from home, and in the beginning was a nerve racking experience. I used to be playful and selfish, so I would get in trouble a lot. Usually, when this happens the sergeants smoke you out, which means they single you out and make you do extra pushups or other physical activities as punishment. They quickly realized that that didn’t affect me, so one day my sergeant came up to me and said, “I know how to get you.” The next time I got in trouble he smoked the whole platoon, while I had to sit there and watch. It made me realize that my actions affect the people around me, even if I don’t think that they do. The army added discipline which helped me hone in on who I am.
Has coparenting been your biggest obstacle emotionally? If not, what is?
Coparenting is the most emotionally challenging thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Coparenting for me right now is a lot of turbulence, and I haven’t gotten to the point where it’s smooth sailing just yet. However, I’m learning, getting better at it and becoming more emotionally intelligent everyday.
Outside of coparenting, death has been one of my biggest obstacles as well. When I first got to the army, they asked us to raise our hands if we’ve ever seen anybody die and I remember I was one of the only people who raised my hand. In some ways, I think death has shaped some of who I am.
How do you think grief has shaped you?
Grief has shaped me both positively and negatively, but probably a lot more negatively than I let on. When people say they don’t give a fuck, I really don’t think they mean it, but I do. Even if I know what I’m doing is wrong. I think because I am missing people, then I feel as if I’m stuck here with a lot of people that don’t have the same amount of love to give to me as the person who passed away did.
However, I am growing into a new version of myself because I understand it’s also a crutch. I know that I truly do give a fuck, but I present otherwise on the exterior. But I like tight stuff, I like to see people do cool things, I like to meet cool people and ultimately see people live because we’re alive. I can’t just sit here, be mad and morbid all day.
While I am growing, sometimes in the middle of a conversation I can start thinking about people I miss and zone out. I haven’t gotten over that and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.
What is helping you on your healing journey?
Honestly, God has made me be truly self-aware. I sit and spend a lot of time with myself. I assess and determine how I can continue to grow. Also, I don’t like to be too high or too low. I like to be level-headed. Due to my emotions being imbalanced, I decided to take myself to therapy. I know the thoughts in my head, so I would be thinking to myself if I get mad enough, then I could do this. I knew I didn’t want to make a mistake I couldn’t come back from. When I went to therapy for the first time, the therapist informed me that I was practicing forms of self therapy. More recently, I am getting back to being vulnerable with others and finding more creative outlets. For example, arts, poetry, writing books and sharing them.
When do you feel most seen? Are you able to show this side of yourself that’s healing to those that you’re around most?
I don’t. I struggle with that because people naturally want to remember the things that I used to do when I was young, and can’t see past them. A lot of people see me, then remind me about things that I used to when I was 18. I don’t feel like this healed side of me will be seen until I fully do the work, and I’m ready to show it to the world. People are starting to see the transition, but I know that I have to put years into the new version of myself until people begin to truly accept who I am.
If you could speak to your younger self, what would you tell him?
You gone be aight. There’s power in vulnerability. I would warn him about his relationships with women. I would tell him that you’re going to feel like you can do whatever you want to do, but don’t. Show some restraint and hold your value as a man. I would give him money advice too. Save your money. Don’t waste it on superficial things or possessions.
How do you want to be remembered?
I believe the greatest thing that we can do is to inspire which is why I have it tatted on my neck. If I can spark inspiration and motivation in somebody that’d be enough. I would like to be remembered as somebody who was a trailblazer, doing my thing authentically, but sparked trends and ideas in others. Most of all I want to make sure that my son is inspired by me. I want to be remembered as a good person, loving family member, somebody who played too much, and that was not perfect, but was an inspiration while I was here.
Stephan x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Jordan for PH3's Men's Mental Health Awareness Campaign
Meet Jordan McGowan, a loving son, father, husband, community leader, revolutionary and artist. Week to week, Jordan runs the CMB Neighbor Program and a full-time K-8 community homeschool, the Malcolm X Academy.
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is Jordan’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
What emotions were hardest for you to acknowledge through adolescence?
I was raised by my father and experienced insecurities because of growing up without a mom, not feeling worth enough, loved enough or worthy of love. Because of this, it manifested itself through anger, lust and seeking approval. I didn’t have the ability or language to say this is what I need.
What is the time period of your life that made you more mindful of your mental health?
It is a constant practice, but at 31 I had a heartache. Afterwards, I didn’t do a good job of allowing people to be there for me. I tried to maintain this poise that “I’m good,” and in reality I was holding so much in that my body was getting ready to have another heart attack.
What or who has been your strongest support system and form of accountability?
My wife. My wife told me that she did not sign up to watch me hold all of these things that are ultimately killing me. That was a big chapter in my life because I had to commit to being healthy, I had to commit to better choices for myself. I don’t want to be fucked up, I don’t want to process things the same way I did as survival mode teenage Jordan. I want to be okay. I want to make decisions that truly reflect how I feel and what I want in comparison to the trauma response of surviving whatever scared the hell out of me as a kid.
What would you tell men that are struggling silently?
Don’t. Don’t struggle in silence. Call somebody, find a counselor, just don’t do that shit. It’s only hurting you, your vision, what God has for you and the people who love you. You are not being as tough as you think you are. The toughest thing is to be able to be yourself at all times and not care what others think. As men, sometimes we forget that we’re a human being, who is a man. Not the other way around. You might need something, maybe a hug, or 5 minutes of someone’s time to talk, but if you can’t say that because you never learn how, then what?
If we had the answers, we wouldn’t be struggling silently.
Jordan x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Through our interview together, our hope is that you’re able to catch some wisdom from what was shared. This is Jordan’s story for Project H.O.P.3. Men’s mental health awareness campaign.
What emotions were hardest for you to acknowledge through adolescence?
I was raised by my father and experienced insecurities because of growing up without a mom, not feeling worth enough, loved enough or worthy of love. Because of this, it manifested itself through anger, lust and seeking approval. I didn’t have the ability or language to say this is what I need.
What is the time period of your life that made you more mindful of your mental health?
It is a constant practice, but at 31 I had a heartache. Afterwards, I didn’t do a good job of allowing people to be there for me. I tried to maintain this poise that “I’m good,” and in reality I was holding so much in that my body was getting ready to have another heart attack.
What or who has been your strongest support system and form of accountability?
My wife. My wife told me that she did not sign up to watch me hold all of these things that are ultimately killing me. That was a big chapter in my life because I had to commit to being healthy, I had to commit to better choices for myself. I don’t want to be fucked up, I don’t want to process things the same way I did as survival mode teenage Jordan. I want to be okay. I want to make decisions that truly reflect how I feel and what I want in comparison to the trauma response of surviving whatever scared the hell out of me as a kid.
What would you tell men that are struggling silently?
Don’t. Don’t struggle in silence. Call somebody, find a counselor, just don’t do that shit. It’s only hurting you, your vision, what God has for you and the people who love you. You are not being as tough as you think you are. The toughest thing is to be able to be yourself at all times and not care what others think. As men, sometimes we forget that we’re a human being, who is a man. Not the other way around. You might need something, maybe a hug, or 5 minutes of someone’s time to talk, but if you can’t say that because you never learn how, then what?
If we had the answers, we wouldn’t be struggling silently.
Jordan x Project H.O.P.3. 💛
Joseph's Story for PH3
Joseph grew up in Sacramento’s Arden/Arcade area and attended Rio Americano High School. In his senior year, he placed first in a ceramics competition at the California State Fair. After graduating, he worked as a plumber for years, describing life as constantly moving and always on the clock. Joseph’s story cannot be told without honoring his longtime partner. They have known each other since they were fourteen, and she has been a constant source of support in his life. One of the most profound things she shared is that healing yourself is also a way of protecting the people you love. Out of respect for her wishes, she was not photographed, but her presence is deeply embedded in this story.
Harvey's Story for PH3
Harvey grew up with both parents and graduated high school in the 1970s from Wasco Union High School. He spent much of his life working with his hands through construction and different trades. When asked about himself, he made it clear he knows exactly who he is. “Do you understand who you’re talking to now? Harvey. The real Harvey.” He carries a strong sense of identity and presence, grounded in experience and self-awareness.
Nikki's Story for PH3
Nikki grew up in Vallejo before moving to Stockton as a child. She spent much of her life navigating instability, abuse, and loss, including the loss of her daughter. She left an unsafe home and later came to Sacramento to escape violence, choosing survival over familiarity. In recent years, she has faced serious health challenges, including a life-threatening medical emergency and a difficult recovery. When asked about misconceptions of the unhoused community, Nikki was clear: “Not all of us are out here because of drugs. I left because I needed to survive.”
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